What the book DOESN'T tell you about Harry Potter!
by MirkwoodForest
Summary: Here is what the book doesn't tell you. You should have never read the book without this information. You will be emotionally damaged if you don't read this. Yes...Read, Review, Flame and do whatever else you want!
1. I am the Saint of the Step!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you see here! YAY! I WIN!  
  
What REALLY happened in Harry Potter!  
  
Dumbldoor: ACK! What the heck is that? Om my gawd, it's actually human, but it's so hairy! EEP! TAKE IT AWAY!  
  
Random Cat lady person: No you foolish wizard, this is Harry Potter (how ironic), the kid who beat that Voldremorteny in the Irish Step dancing contest at age 2. We can't just throw him ANY WHERE! He is SPECIAL!  
  
Dumbledoor: FINE! That looks like a house that will feed him, put him there!  
  
Cat lady: ok, what ever. (Ironically this happens to be his aunt and uncle's house)  
  
**Many years later!**  
  
Harry: LOOKY LOOKY! I am the Saint of the Step!  
  
Uncle: You foolish child, why can't you be NORMAL like our other son. Take those stupid tap shoes off!  
  
Harry: You just don't appreciate the fine art of Irish Step Dancing!!!!  
  
Other son of whom I forgot the name: Harry, just remember in school, you aren't related to me, we don't live in the same house, you don't know my name, and we haven't said more than one word to each other. Ok?  
  
Harry: uhh.I AM THE SAINT OF THE STEP!  
  
Aunt: You will never amount to ANYTHING! You will always be WEIRD!  
  
**a few days later**  
  
Harry: I just got a letter, I just got a letter, I just got a letter, and it's from the school of the fine art of Irish step dancing and learning how to become a better you school!  
  
Uncle: (after Harry finished his song and dance routine) GOOD! LEAVE! NOW!  
  
Harry: It says here that my parents were Irish step dancers too! YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS! YOU LIE!  
  
Uncle: I didn't want to motivate you further!  
  
  
  
**later on at the train**  
  
Harry: I am going to school! YAY! I will be among people JUST LIKE ME!!!!!  
  
Ron: hallo!  
  
Harry: Hallo! How do I get to platform 9 ¾?  
  
Ron: You go run through that brick wall over there!  
  
Harry: OK! (Harry runs INTO the wall and not through it)  
  
Ron: YOU FOOLISH CHILD! You actually fell for that! Actually, platform 9 ¾ is right here.  
  
Harry: YAY! Ok! Aw darn it, now I have a cut, EEP! I will get a scar!  
  
Ron: Good for you, leave me alone.  
  
**Later on at the Irish step dancing school**  
  
Dumbledoor: Ok, everyone will be divided into one of 4 houses. There is green, blue, red and yellow. At the end of the year there will be this big contest and the color with the best dancers will win. These MAGIC shoes will determine your house. Harry Potter, come up to see which house you will be in.  
  
Harry: EEWW! Are those shoes sanitary?.they look old.how many people have worn them?  
  
Dumbledoor: Put them on you radish!  
  
Harry: EEP! Ok FINE! Please don't let me be in red.please don't let me be in red.  
  
Magic shoes: hmmm.are you sure.many evil ..I mean GREAT dancers have come out of that house. But, whatever, you will be in green!  
  
Harry: Squeak! I always wanted to be in green.that is the TRUE color of Irish step dancers!!  
  
Dumbledoor: Next, Ron Weasel!  
  
Ron: Please don't let me be in green, please don't let me be in green!  
  
Magic shoes: TOUGH, you are going into green and you are going to LIKE it!  
  
Ron: NOOO! That means I will have to be with *gulp* Harry Potter.  
  
Magic shoes: Life isn't perfect. Some of us get rich and famous, and some of us must withstand torture!  
  
**a couple days later on their way into town**  
  
Harry: Ron!  
  
Ron: What do you want? I thought I told you not to talk to me in public!  
  
Harry: Me too! Ok, well I heard this random tall guy and he was telling me about this Voldremorteny guy and that when I was little this guy tried to kill my parents because they were better then him, so he killed them. THEN I started to dance. He started to dance too, we had a DANCE BATTLE! And I beat him! I beat him WELL too! Holy Flamigurkey!  
  
Ron: Don't say that name!!  
  
Harry: Flamigurkey?  
  
Ron: NO! Voldremorteny! O dang, you made me say it!  
  
Harry: Why shouldn't I say Voldremorteny?  
  
Ron: STOP IT! Well, come to think of it, I don't know.but we just can't, ok?  
  
Harry: Ok, who is this "he who cannot be named" guy anyway?  
  
Ron: He is the most EVIL dancer ever! The only dancer that he fears is Dumbledoor.  
  
Harry: That old guy? I thought that he could barely walk, never mind dance.  
  
Ron: Shut up!  
  
Harry: Ok, Come on, Ron! Let's go into this store!  
  
Ron: Fine, I don't see anyone in there who can spread that fact that I was talking to you. I guess we can go in. Eww! LOOK! A SHMUGGLE!  
  
Harry: Shmuggle? Is that like a chicken?  
  
Ron: No you foolish child! I schmuggle is someone who isn't an Irish Step Dancer like us!  
  
Harry: O, OK! HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU! ARE YOU A SHMUGGLE?  
  
Ron: (after pulling Harry out of the store) NEVER do that again with me within 10 feet of you!  
  
**Later on at Irish Step Dancing School** Harry: Hi Hermy!  
  
Hermione: My name is Hermione! Don't talk to me. Everyone says," beware of the kid with the funky scar". I try to follow their advice.  
  
Harry: Me too. Who is this kid any ways?  
  
Hermione: Is this some kind of joke?  
  
Harry: What? I am lost. Is this kid someone I know? I have never seen someone with a funky looking scar.  
  
Hermione: (after pulling out her mirror) You foolish child, have you ever looked in a mirror?  
  
Harry: (after seeing that he had a scar the size of a quarter in the middle of his forehead) EEP! So THAT'S why people have been avoiding me. I look just like that kid that people say to beware of!  
  
Hermione: ok.right. So, what do you want.make it quick.  
  
Harry: ok, well I saw that there was a special potion in a book that I read that will make you the greatest dancer of all time.does it really exist?  
  
Hermione: Of course it exists, it is right under this school.  
  
Harry: Let's go get it! You and Ron can come with me.  
  
Hermione: No! Only a fool would go down there!  
  
Harry: *puts a spell on Hermione and then pulls Ron from under the table* There is no choice! You will go with me!  
  
**Down in the basement** Harry: O good! Both of you are awake now! Come one, we are going to go down this staircase and find the potion.  
  
Hermione: You FOOLISH CHILD! There is NO WAY I am going down there with you.  
  
Harry: You will go down, unless you are a FLAMIGURKEY!  
  
Ron: A what what?  
  
Hermione: Come on Ron, let's just humor him and go down there.  
  
Ron: what ever, ok.  
  
Harry: (after completing the winding staircase) Look! It is our first task!  
  
Ron: Are you kidding me? We ACTUALLY have to play this stupid game?  
  
Harry: You mean Jenga? What is wrong with Jenga?  
  
Hermione: If we play this game and finish this stupid thing with you, will you promise never to talk to us again?  
  
Harry: PROMISE!  
  
Hermione: Come on, Ron!  
  
Harry: (As the game went on) Jenga! Jenga! Jenga!!!!  
  
Hermione: Thank every star in the sky that is over, what next?  
  
Harry: Now we have to RUN AMOK!  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Harry: RUN AMOK! Amok amok amok amok amok!  
  
Hermione: (as Harry ran around like a lunatic) You freak! (Just as she says this Harry grabs both of there arms and takes them with him as his runs amok in circles)  
  
Ron: GET IT OFF! IT IS STUCK TO ME! GET IT OFF!!!!! *few* it's gone  
  
Hermione: If we have to do anything in the next task I might hurt someone...very badly.  
  
Harry: *gasp* look! There is that guy! That guy that no one is allowed to talk about! *gasp*  
  
Voldremorteny: EEP! You foolish child! They told me no one was going to be down here!  
  
Harry: Hand over that potion you EVIL person, or I will have to POKE YOU!  
  
Voldermorteny: This potion? O, I already drank it, if I had known you were coming I would have saved you some.  
  
Harry O, is that it?  
  
Volremorteny: Were you expecting something more?  
  
Harry: I dunno, ok.I guess we will leave now.  
  
Voldremorteny: Ok, tootles!  
  
So Harry goes back to school and everyone thinks that he is a dork. After much taunting and such he drops out! YAY! And THEN he goes back to his aunt and uncles house and this BIG HAIRY GUY comes and tells him that they made a mistake and that he is actually a wizard. So there ya go! That is what they DON'T tell you in the book. 


	2. The chamber has been opened

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Laundry!  
  
Declaimer: I do not own Harry Potter..or anything else that relates to him. Although I would like to own Tom Felton..  
  
Introduction: Harry Potter has been going to school for. People were extremely amazed by his scar, they seemed to think that it was special for some odd unknown reason, whatever, they may think what they want. Well, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone did an ok job of explaining what happened in Harry's first year, although there was no note of his real life.that's ok. I will begin with his second year, many things are going on. Harry is having difficulty moving from being an Irish step dancer to a wizard, but he is managing.  
  
Uncle: Listen here Harry, there are these people coming over. You do not exist.  
  
Harry: But.but..i DO exist.how can I not exist.*gasp*. You want me to die!  
  
Uncle: nonsense.of course.wait...just go to your room.  
  
Harry: FINE!  
  
*Harry goes upstairs only to see a squirrel sitting on his bed** Squirrel: AHH! Harry Potter! You do exist!  
  
Harry: LIES! ALL LIES! My life is so confusing.first they tell me not to exist.then they tell me that I do exist! What is the world coming to?  
  
Squirrel: ok.. Harry Potter MUST not go back to Hogwarts!  
  
Harry: Why not? I like it there, they appreciate my clumsiness.  
  
Squirrel: Listen here, if you do not tell Dobbingloffen that you are not going back to Hogwarts then I will be forced to throw heavy objects out the window.  
  
Harry: What will this accomplish?  
  
Squirrel: Do not question me!(at this moment the squirrel ran over to a closet and began to hit his head rapidly with Harry's shoes)  
  
Harry: What on earth are you doing?  
  
Squirrel: If Dobbingloffen dares to yell at a superior then he must squack his head with that wizard's shoes.DUH!  
  
Harry: ok..ok.. (at this moment harry's uncle came in only to see the squirrel sitting on his bed)  
  
Uncle: ummm .. Harry ..why is there a squirrel sitting on your bed? I must dispose of it at once! (with this Dobbingloffen was grabbed by the tail and thrown out of the window)  
  
*a couple days later* Uncle: Harry, leave now, it is time for you to go.  
  
Harry: Silly uncle.I still have two weeks left!  
  
Uncle: No.go now..NOW  
  
Harry: OKEY DAY! *with this Harry took his stuff and frolicked off to Ron's house.who happened to live in a random field in the middle of no where and only by pure accident was Harry able to find his residence*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: umm..Ron dear, there is a young man jumping about like a leprechaun in our front lawn calling your name.  
  
Ron: o, that's just Harry.  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Harry Potter?  
  
Ron: yah..unfortunately..  
  
Mr. Wesley: I always thought that that boy was smart, boy was I wrong. *Two weeks later*  
  
Harry: Come Ron! Let's use Floo powder!  
  
Ron: That's just potting soil...  
  
Harry: Not in the wizarding world it isn't!  
  
Ron: No I am pretty sure- WAIT STOP! * Ron was far too late and Harry had thrown the "potting soil" into the fire and began running towards it. Suddenly a loud bang went off.the "potting soil/floo powder" was actually gun powder*  
  
Harry: *covered with soot* Hee hee. That was fun! Let's do it again-  
  
Ron: NO! *grabs the floo powder/ gun powder/ potting soil*  
  
**the next day**  
  
Ron: common Harry! I don't care that the stupid squirrel told you not to go to hogwart's! I'm going and you are coming with me! Wait.you were talking to a squirrel..this is interesting.  
  
Harry: but Dobbingloffen said "Harry potter must NOT go back to Hogwarts this year!".  
  
Ron: so?  
  
Harry: Let's be off!  
  
Ron: ok.. *so the Weasels and Harry head off to Hogwarts*  
  
*later on at the train station*  
  
Harry: So, how do we get to Hogwarts again?  
  
Ron: ermm..hee hee..you run through that wall over there!  
  
Harry: ok! *runs into wall*  
  
Ron: that's funny.  
  
Harry: I know! The wall has closed up!  
  
Ron: No, I meant it's funny that every year you fall for the same thing...  
  
Harry: Ron! This isn't a laughing matter! What are we going to do now?  
  
*Harry and Ron look over and see a car*  
  
Harry: I just got an idea! We can fly the car to Hogwarts!  
  
Ron: no.no way..I'll stay home this year.  
  
*Harry takes a frying pan out from under his cloak and knocks out Ron*  
  
Harry: BWA HA HA HA. *takes Ron and flies to Hogwarts*  
  
*within moments of arriving at Hogwarts*  
  
Ron: what-the.hey! NO! Land this thing right now!  
  
Harry: *humming the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer* We have arrived!! *begins landing car but is too amused by doing the hand motions to his new song and lets go of the wheel*  
  
Ron: Harry! We are going to hit the tree!  
  
Harry: *well, Harry doesn't hit the tree, instead he slams the car straight into the Hogwart's train system* O darn, look at your wand Ron.. I CAN FIX IT!  
  
Ron: *stuffs wand in pocket and begins running for his life as Harry begins to chant and wave his own wand about*  
  
*many days later*  
  
Harry: GUESS WHAT!  
  
Ron: what?  
  
Harry: I am the Gryffindor seeker! And we have a game vs Slytherin today!  
  
Ron: How the hell did you become seeker? You lack coordination skills!  
  
Harry: That didn't matter once Oliver Wood saw how much gold I had in my pocket!  
  
Ron: Oh no..  
  
*later on during the game*  
  
Harry: *Harry forgets that he is supposed to be chasing after the snitch and begins to chase after a blundger* hee hee, I've got you now fool! *he gets hit in the arm by the blundger and falls to the ground*  
  
Gildroy Lockhart: Hello Harry! I see that you have gotten yourself in a bit of a mess, I can fix it right up!  
  
Harry: wow..are you a magician? *gasp* Can you make a rabbit come out of your hat? *starts to bite fingers as a sign of excitement*  
  
Lockhart: no, but since you are slow, dim-witted, and have a lack of coordination, I am willing to make you this offer! If I heal you, you are willing to read one of my books.  
  
Harry: *Totally ignores that Lockhart is talking to him and begins humming again.*  
  
Lockhart: yes well, now to cast my healing powers unto you! *smiles overly large and stands there*  
  
*many days later* Lockhart: *still smiling in the same spot*  
  
Harry: *still humming but is taken out of it when Dobbingloffen appears* Dobbingloffen: I thought that Dobbingloffen told you not to go back to Hogwarts!  
  
Harry: You did?  
  
Dobbingloffen: YES! Dobbingloffen said, "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts this year"!  
  
Harry: O..hey.you also told me that you were a squirrel..  
  
Dobbingloffen: I am a squirrel.  
  
Harry: What's your point?  
  
Dobbingloffen: I think that I just became stupider by this conversation, I am leaving now  
  
Harry: *gets up and go back to his classes*  
  
*the next day*  
  
Ron: Hey Harry, Herminone, check this out.  
  
*the three of them look down to see that THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPEN ENEMIES OF THE HEIR.BEWARE written in bleach*  
  
Hermione: What do you suppose that means, Ron?  
  
Harry: It is a sign from the detergent gods! They found me! WE MUST GO INCOGNETO!  
  
Hermione: Harry.I didn't ask you.  
  
Harry: *runs off crying*  
  
Ron: I dunno..hey.check this out! *they see a duck passed out on the floor*  
  
Hermione: *gasp* that is Finche's duck! THAT IS MRS. QUACKELS!  
  
Ron: IT IS A SIGN! ... we are having duck for dinner!  
  
Hermione: I suppose..let's go see if Harry is still alive or that he drowned in his tears.  
  
*Even more days later*  
  
Harry: Hey Ron, I found this box of detergent and it says TOM RIDDLE on it. What do you suppose that means?  
  
Ron: Tom left his detergent in the laundry room again.  
  
Harry: RON! DON'T BE SO FOOLISH! DON'T YOU SEE THE CONNECTION?  
  
Ron: no  
  
Harry: Damn, neither do I..  
  
*later*  
  
Harry: RON! RON! RON! RON! RON!  
  
Ron: you called.  
  
Harry: I am hearing voices. in the halls.  
  
Ron: o? that's nice Harry. I guess that you didn't realize that other people can talk besides you.  
  
Harry: NO! I DON"T BELIEVE YOU! Stop lying to me!  
  
Ron: *notices Harry grabbing for frying pan again and begins running*  
  
*even MORE days later.noticing a trend yet?*  
  
Hermione: wow...look at this.even more bleach messages.  
  
*all three of them look down to see. HER SOCKS WILL LIE ON THE CHAMBER FLOOR FOREVER once again written in bleach, but this bleach had pretty blue crystals in it for extra cleaning power!*  
  
*days later*  
  
Ron: Harry Harry! Hermione, the Gryffindor ghost, and two other random people were recently found passed out!  
  
Harry: WOW! We have a ghost?  
  
Ron: This isn't the time Harry! We need to see what made Hermione pass out! And there is something else.my sister was the one whose socks were stolen.  
  
Harry: Oh my deary dear dear.I am so sorry Ron! This is awful!  
  
Ron: I know! Poor Hermione! We need to help her!  
  
Harry: Were they her favorite pair?  
  
Ron: what the-.the socks? Good gracious wizards and warlocks, who care about the socks?  
  
Harry: Ron, I know that you and your sister have had your sibling rivalries but you have to realize the severity of -  
  
Ron: Harry.shut up!  
  
*Harry and Ron go to see Hermione*  
  
Mrs. Pomfrey: *holds up air freshener to show Ron and Harry* Does this mean anything to you?  
  
Harry: Is that an INSULT?  
  
Mrs. Pomfrey: umm.no  
  
Harry: uh huh...sure *looks at the nurse with an eye of suspicion*  
  
Ron: Hey Harry. look.Hermione has something in her hand.hey...it's a piece of. lint paper?  
  
Harry: It's a sign!  
  
Ron: For once you may be right. there is something written on the paper. it says TOM RIDDLE'S GYM SOCKS  
  
Harry: I TOLD YOU! How does this relate to what's going on and how do we defeat them?  
  
Ron: Harry. I am so proud of you! You made two intelligent questions! Well, it seems that Hermione has answered that question too. Look here! DUE TO THE FOWL ODOR, FATAL CONCEQUENCES MAY OCCUR. THE ONLY WAY TO ARM YOURSELF IS BY A BOTTLE OF LYSOL OR A CASE OF THE SNIFFLES.  
  
Harry: Wow.that was an oddly specific dictionary that Hermione tore this out from.  
  
Ron: Come Harry, we need to find the chamber opening.  
  
Once again I am too tired to complete this.I shall finish it by next year, so keep checking back. *for those of you who are incompetent, this means it will be done by January* 


End file.
